Second baby picture epiphany: I am girly - or am I?Most of my life, I have tried to be more dude-like. I was jealous that they got to go on "high adventures" with Scouts (I eventually created my own), that they got to leave on their missions earlier, and that they didn't have to exert so much effort primping - among other things. All my favorite literary heroines were tom-boys: Jo from Little Women, Leslie in Bridge to Terabithia, and Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird. I refused to paint my toenails, pluck my eyebrows or stop wearing overalls. (I did, however, shave my legs.)
But here I am at age five, wearing a pink-and-purple striped leotard, a tutu, and holding a baton full of sparkles. Socialization of gender norms? Probably. Innate girliness? Probably.
The problem is that I have always hated the word girly. I associate it with other dirty words like prissy, ditsy, superficial, boy-crazy, high maintenance, shallow and helpless. Mr. California Governor has made it clear that I'm not the only one with this list of associations.
Yet in recent years, I have gotten more in touch with my inner girl. I really like wearing strappy high heels. I try to dance like Beyonce. I have coordinated red accent furnishings in my yellow and gold bedroom. I love wearing BareMinerals powder and pomegranate-flavored lip gloss.
I am comfortable doing those things now because I am no longer afraid that they will define me as girly - I have already defined myself in other ways. But more importantly, I have realized that you can get facials and be intelligent. You can enjoy shopping for clothes and also have depth. You can be simultaneously sexy and concerned about economic inequality in America. You can collect doilies and have well-researched, informed opinions.
Let it be known that I still believe that how we present ourselves and how we spend our time and money reflect our values. However, I also want to apologize to women everywhere - and to my younger self - whom I may have negatively essentialized as girly.
I want to reclaim that word, but I don't know what I think it should mean. Complex? Provocative? Dynamic? Fascinating? I recently spent an entire evening with some friends trying to define the word feminine. We came to absolutely no conclusions.
I like the "dude-like" qualities I have developed over the years - whatever that means - but this picture makes me want to keep enjoying and appreciating the girl side of me too.
6 comments:
YOu really found some great ones. By the way, you were anything but girly when we had to get knots out of your girly hair. More like "grrrrrrrrly"
You don't need me to remind you of sunflowers in your dorm room or singing Anastasia into a curling iron at the top of your lungs, while bouncing on your bed, do you? You have an intensely girly streak. Leave it to a real dude to call it like it is. :)
I was reading an article recently about level of analysis. Meaning, are you studying a phenomenon at the individual level, the group level, or the societal level. The article was arguing that every level can give you interesting insights into what's happening.
I think this post is a very insightful analysis into what happens for an individual who confronts these gender issues.
I think it is also interesting to think about the groups and society that this individual had to confront. You live in a society where the most degrading things a man can say to another man are female slurs, like pussy or bitch.
Of course you wouldn't want to be associated with any of those things. Women are given a tough choice -- either you conform and be "girly" which means you associated with all those weak pussy-type things, or you be tough and try to hide all that feels female to you which of course comes with its own costs.
It is like the bind for female sexuality too. You are a prude or a slut. It is really hard to find examples in our culture of what it means to be a normal healthy woman with a normal health sex drive.
Your post just made me think about how much context matters in the shaping of our gender identities. I am going to work very hard for my daughters to learn how to resist these gender norms b/c I know how harmful they were to me. For example, I think it is interesting that so many ways that women get in touch with their feminity these days has to do with their appearance.
I finally got a chance to read and comment on this... And I wish I had something more profound to say. :P
I think Melissa hit the nail on the head. The fundamental problem is that we still live in a culture where "you throw like a girl" is an insult but "you have some serious balls" is a compliment. Our culture has given femininity negative connotations because it makes it easier to oppress women. If being female is associated with being prissy, ditsy, superficial, and helpless, then women are far less likely to complain when they only get paid 76% of what their male colleagues earn.
What should we associate with femininity? Personally, I am extremely hesitant to make generalizations about either gender (even if there is some truth to the generalizations). With something like five billion women in this world, there are going to be some women who do not fit the mold. And I don't think it is healthy for a woman to feel like she is not "feminine" because she doesn't fit some standards of what I think femininity should be. Aryn always tells me about her mission president that used to tell her that she wasn't feminine because she relied on logic too much. She said she needed therapy after that. Granted, in this case, I think the mission president was relying on a totally false and damaging stereotype that never had any real basis in reality- if women are crazy, irrational creatures, then we certainly can't trust them to be a president or CEO or any other high-prestige position. But I'm not sure that other generalizations/stereotypes are any better. I'm sure the speakers in conference have the best of intentions when they talk about how LDS women are loving and charitable or whatever, but in my experience the practical effect is to make women feel guilty for not being charitable enough. Even associating something positive with femininity can end up doing more harm than good.
To me, the essence of feminism is letting women be whatever they want to be. If a woman wants to go on high adventures and never shave her legs, fine. If she wants to wear strappy high heels, get facials, shop for clothes, get married, and be a stay-at-home mom with ten kids, also fine. The important thing is that she has the option to do (or to be) whatever she wants. If I tell a woman that she should do a certain thing or act a certain way or be a certain way because she is "feminine," then I am restricting her choices, which is the last thing I want to do.
By the way, Melissa, I don't know if you get notified when I post comments, but did you read the article I sent you, by chance? (Some of what you said was very similar to some of Frye's comments. :) ) If you did, I would be interested to hear your thoughts if you have the time/desire to share them... I'm kind of discussing it via e-mail with this girl that I work with and I'm definitely learning a lot so I would love to hear your reaction as well... Only if you have time, though. (And Jen, I don't know how geeky you are, but if you are curious now, I can send it to you as well... :) It's about oppression of women.)
Thanks so much for your comments and insights, Melissa and Eric! One friend told me that she just doesn't think in terms of feminine and masculine. She does what she wants to do and sometimes those things are stereotypically girly and sometimes they're stereotypically masculine. That relates to what you said, Eric, about a woman having the options to do and be whatever she wants to do or be. We seem to have a natural tendency in our culture to label and categorize. Why can't we just BE?!
I have realized that one of the reasons I shunned all the girly stuff is because I have never wanted to be loved for things that felt so superficial. I don't want to be loved or rejected for having or not having a hot, sexy, stylish, well-groomed female body. While I definitely want the person I'm with to be desperately attracted to me, I want to be loved for being a PERSON with thoughts and ideas and opinions and goals and ambition. I suspect that it's the women who feel that their value stems from their body's attractiveness to men who keep our plastic surgery industry thriving.
MAV, I totally agree that the only obvious ways for a woman to "embrace her femininity" seem to do with her appearance. I really want to embrace my inner girl without covering her in make-up. But how? Some times when I feel womanly are when I am in the company of other woman whom I respect, like the women in my program or my old youth leaders or my best friends. I can feel a sense of strength and dignity and power from a group of women like that. When I'm with them, I feel "feminine" in the best possible way I could define it.
I can't believe Aryn's mission president! OUCH.
And MAV, I don't think you're a prude or a slut, so thanks for being an example for me of healthy female sexuality!
I am still going through this process as well. I have a girly streak, but I am just finding out how wide it actually is :)
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