The last time I was at the airport, I felt anxious at the security check-point. Unlike the other compliant travelers, I hadn't put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag. I was instead sending my hot-pink-Clinique-free-gift-bag through the X-ray machine completely exposed. As it disappeared into the radiation void, I remembered that I hadn’t removed my fingernail clippers or my little scissors. In my head, I began arguing with the TSA officer about how it was obviously impossible to execute a hijacking with fingernail clippers and a pair of mini-scissors with rounded tips. Finally, my little pink bag emerged fully innocent. As I grabbed it off the conveyor belt, I saw the huge bin full of confiscated lotions, toothpastes and shampoos.
Then I saw the woman next to me. She had short hair, was wearing a trendy belt and looked - according to all my own preconceived notions and stereotypes that I am here confessing - like a law-abiding citizen. A uniformed TSA officer was standing in front of her holding out a large jar of Jiffy peanut butter.
“I’m sorry, but this is a gel,” the officer said.
“But I was sure that it would be O.K.,” replied the woman. Her voice cracked a little on the last word.
“Peanut butter is definitely considered a gel.”
That's when her tears started to flow. I don’t know why she had a jar of peanut butter in her carry-on; my best guess is that she was flying it to someone who was living deprived of the nutty gel in another country. I bet that she had carefully planned this gift and was so excited to give it. That thought made me start to tear up a little too. Now a government official wearing a plastic blue glove was not only thwarting her generous intentions, but also accusing her intentions of being dishonorable. To top off the insult, the neatly packed and personal contents of her suitcase were currently exposed to public onlookers like myself. I cried once when a heartless TSA official threw away my new bottle of Bath&Body Works raspberry-scented lotion. That was a little embarrassing, but certainly this circumstance called for tears.
The pathetic situation drew the attention of another officer who suggested that she check the bag. Between little sobs, she calculated that she would have time to do that. As I walked away, I felt resolved, and then ... silly. I just witnessed two grown women, myself one of them, shed tears over a jar of Jiffy. How did that happen? Was it the loss of its four-dollar value in the midst of an economic crisis? Was it the ex-pat's craving that would not be fulfilled? The assumed accusation? The stress of traveling? PMS? I decided that her emotions and my reaction were too complex to yield a logical explanation. There was in fact only one logical conclusion to draw from this situation: forget finger-nail clippers, the real threat to American air travelers is peanut butter.
8 comments:
Didn't that silly airport guy have bigger fish to fry than to exclude peanut butter? also if anyone could ezxplain to me the explosive qualities of peanut butter i'd love to hear them as i eat way too much of the stuff as is but i might actually cut back if it could actually cause my stomache to explode
I always assume PMS in these situations. Just kidding!
I would have been ticked if I were the peanut butter loving woman in line.
The "war on terror" was just an abstract concept to me until I read this story. When I was a missionary, the thing I missed most was American peanut butter (the oil-free British version is awful!). There were 2 Coscos in Scotland that sold Skippy, but I never served in either of those areas.
I hope Obama finds and apprehends all of the "evildoers," so that peanut butter can flow freely between borders once again.
USA! USA! USA!
I realized that I made an important error in this story: it's JIF peanut butter, not JIFFY. But "Jiffy" flows off of the tongue so much easier. "Jif" sounds like you're getting cut off mid-word, but I guess JIFFY was already taken by that muffin-mix company.
This is such a great post. I always stress out that I'm going to be caught with some objectionable object in the security line. I never feel like a criminal, I think it's just really annoying being stopped and searched. What a time waster.
And I almost never put my stuff in a ziploc.
Jen, I always enjoy reading your blog, but this particular entry is worthy of a larger audience. Maybe you could submit it to the Associated Press?
just read this for the first time, and i feel compelled to tell you about the time the TSA threw out my new jar of nutella. it was early in my recovery and i really wanted to have a special treat on the plane to help me through not drinking while flying. and they threw it in the trash. i totally cried.
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